Voices from a language hell

Writing this blog on the Silver Coast has opened the door to a language hell that I had heard about but never experienced first hand. It is a place populated by people who are so linguistically challenged I imagine they are barely even able to grunt convincingly.

The trouble is they keep sending me messages – around two dozen a day at the moment – that pretend to be comments on the blog but are actually badly disguised attempts to promote their web sites. I don’t know which twisted recess of their brain decided that an inability to put two words together made them ideally suited for the communication business, but they have taken to it with a crazed and disjointed level of gusto.

“It has touched it! It has reached it!,” was the strange and cryptic message I got in response to one of my blogs the other day from someone calling himself Girard Perregaux. Whatever he was on must have really kicked in after that because I got two more messages as the afternoon wore on. “Number will not pass!” was the next – frankly way too much information – followed shortly after by a single word: “Trifles!”. I have heard nothing from Girard since so I can only assume the medication is finally working.

I occasionally get what appear to be compliments, although I could be missing some deep and sophisticated sarcasm. “It is remarkable, it is the valuable answer – big-big-bags,” was one. I decided to take this as approval because writing is a lonely business in which you need whatever friends you can get. Another was slightly more obscure but seemingly friendly: “In it something is. It is grateful to you for the help in this question. I did not know it”.

Sometimes I get words of comfort which are nice when the sky is grey and they’re playing Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ (recently voted most annoying Christmas song in Bulgaria – I knew there was something I liked about the country) yet again on the radio. “It is very a pity to me, I can help nothing, but it is assured, that to you will help to find the correct decision. Do not despair,” wrote Hot Sale, a made-up name I am sure. He really should be working for the Samaritans.

But it is not all sweet tea and sympathy in blog comment land. I keep getting a message from Uhren Replica who seems to have strong objections to my blogs. I get this from him every day, even when I haven’t written one: “I apologise, but, in my opinion, you are not right. I am assured. I can defend the position. Write to me in PM.” I haven’t written to him yet. I’m not that desperate for friends.

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3 Responses to Voices from a language hell

  1. Brent says:

    I dont think I can ever leave another comment. I just cant compete with the wordsmiths that contact you.
    How many offers to enlarge anything you want, do you get. I closed the guestbook on my site because everyone who commented thought I had a problem and needed some sort of medication to help. They may have been right.

    • connal says:

      No Brent don’t stop. We like your comments – and they get published unlike the others. Like you I get lots of chemical offers – the latest delivered five minutes ago was “accutane 318 prescription online consultation propecia 27794 ultram pain pill 03740”. No idea what that might do but I guess it either enlarges specific body parts or ensures they stay that way for unreasonable lengths of time. Most of the medications on offer appear to be focussed on a relatively small region of the body 🙂

  2. LMC says:

    Your writing is delightful and your received messages hilarious!

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